237. Maternal instinct...

7 days since giving birth to my beautiful baby boy i find myself thinking about the attachment i have to Spice versus the attachment i have to my baby...and to be honest for me there is very little difference. I thought there would be but i still have exactly the same mindset when dealing with Spice as i do with Dio - to give them the best possible care i can. I have found it difficult to prioritise Dio over Spice but since it's a lot easier to look after a horse than it is a baby finding alternative care for her while i embrace motherhood has provided me with some much needed rest bite.

Five days of little or no sleep has left me feeling as though i am currently living on another planet - nothing short of the real thing can prepare you for motherhood and the tiredness that this entails. All i can say is that i now look at every parent on this earth in a very different light. I can't imagine a harder job role emotionally, physically and mentally and cannot believe at this present moment in time how on earth women have more than one child and definitely can't understand how/why my nona had 10! I am also at a loss as to how any single parent manages for i have no idea what i'd have done without my partner who beyond all my expectations has proved to be the best father and partner i could ever have hoped for.

I haven't been able to get up to see Spice for 2 days now due to feeling so tired but am hoping that one full nights sleep (luke is taking over the feeding for tonight) will provide me with enough energy to get into some sort of routine soon. Parenting is definitely a balancing act between taking care of yourself and taking care of your newborn. If you think about the whole thing it too much the responsibility seems almost overwhelming. The simple truth is they're solely reliant on you for their survival and this is something that is new to me for although having a horse is a big responsibility - if i suddenly dissappeared Spice would still survive. I guess in that way having a partner around to share the responsibility makes this realisation somewhat easier to deal with.

Anyway...enough of motherhood...Spice is still doing really well but we have decided to give her one last weeks worth of antibiotics since it is only in the last 2 weeks that she has been fully sound. So it will be another week or so before we know what the outcome is. I wont pretend that i am not dreading the time at which we take Spice off of her antibiotics for i know there is still a chance that the infection may not have entirely cleared. Which if being the case means only one thing.

I'm not sure how i would cope if this were to be the case especially due to the fact that at the moment i am not spending any time with her but i guess it does no good to worry about the worst case scenario...